When “Boundaries” Become Walls: Real Talk on What They Are—and What They’re Not
Boundaries are having a moment.
They’re all over your feed, your group chats, your therapy sessions (maybe even your ex’s text messages). And in many ways, it’s a good thing—we need more open dialogue about protecting our energy, communicating our needs, and saying “no” without shame.
But here’s the catch: not everything labeled a boundary is actually a boundary. Sometimes, what’s being called a “boundary” is actually a demand. Or a defense. Or a wall. And when that happens, it stops being a tool for connection and starts becoming a way to shut people out—or shut them down.
In this post, we’ll unpack what boundaries really are (and what they aren’t), explore the difference between setting limits and trying to control others, and offer some gentle ways to communicate boundaries that don’t feel like ultimatums.
Because real boundaries aren’t about being omnipotent—they’re about being human.
What a Boundary Is - and What It’s Not
Let’s start with a definition that’s clear but compassionate:
A boundary is something you set for yourself—a limit that helps you stay in integrity with your values, energy, and emotional safety.
It might sound like:
“I don’t respond to texts after 9 PM so I can get enough rest.”
“I’m not available for conversations when they turn aggressive or demeaning.”
“I need some space after an argument to regroup before reconnecting.”
What it’s not:
“You can’t talk to me that way or I’m cutting you off forever.”
“You need to stop being so toxic, or I’m going no-contact.”
“I set a boundary, and you have to respect it.”
That last one’s tricky—because yes, we want our boundaries to be respected. But when we frame boundaries as something other people must follow, we risk shifting into control instead of care. Boundaries are about what you will do—not about forcing others to behave a certain way.
Weaponized Boundaries: When Good Tools Go Bad
It can feel empowering to name a boundary. But when they’re used to avoid vulnerability, punish others, or bypass uncomfortable conversations, it’s no longer a boundary—it’s a wall.
Here are some signs that a “boundary” might be doing more harm than good:
It’s vague or ever-changing (“You just crossed my boundary again!” with no clarity on what the boundary actually is)
It’s delivered as an ultimatum with no room for dialogue
It’s used to shut down feedback or accountability
It’s used to dodge emotional intimacy or hard conversations
This doesn’t mean you owe everyone an explanation for your limits. You don’t. But when boundaries are used like a sword instead of a shield, they often create more distance, confusion, and resentment—both for you and the people around you.
Setting Real Boundaries Sounds Like
Instead of: “You need to stop being so clingy.”
Try: “I notice I feel overwhelmed when I get a lot of texts during the day. I’m going to respond when I have more capacity.”Instead of: “You’re not allowed to talk to me about that.”
Try: “That topic feels tender for me. I’d rather not talk about it right now, but I’m open to revisiting it when I feel more grounded.”Instead of: “I’m setting a boundary. You need to respect it.”
Try: “This is something I need to do for my own well-being. I understand if it’s hard, but I hope we can navigate it together.”
Notice the difference? Healthy boundaries often come with clarity and compassion. They’re rooted in your truth—not someone else’s behavior.
The Myth of the Perfect Boundary
Here’s a truth we don’t talk about enough: Boundaries are messy. Especially in close relationships. Sometimes you’ll set one and instantly second-guess it. Sometimes you’ll set one too late and feel flooded with resentment. Sometimes someone won’t respond well—and that’s painful.
This doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you’re human. Boundaries aren’t a script to follow—they’re a practice to return to. And like any practice, they get easier (and clearer) over time.
Why Boundaries Aren’t About Being Omnipotent
There’s a subtle belief that if we just “boundary hard enough,” we can avoid pain altogether. That we can set enough rules, assert ourselves perfectly, and never have to feel the discomfort of being misunderstood, disappointed, or emotionally exposed. But that’s not what boundaries are for. Boundaries don’t protect you from all pain. They protect you from abandoning yourself. They help you stay in alignment with your values, energy, and needs—even in the face of conflict, rejection, or grief. They aren’t a guarantee that others will behave how you want. They’re a commitment to how you’ll show up for yourself.
Final Thoughts: Boundaries as Bridges Not Walls
When rooted in clarity, care, and self-responsibility, boundaries can be one of the most loving things we do in relationships. They help us stay honest. They create room for mutual respect. They show people who we are and what matters to us. But they’re not magic spells. And they’re not tools for control.
If you’ve been struggling to set boundaries—or wondering if you’re using them in ways that feel off—you’re not alone. Therapy can be a space to untangle what’s yours, what’s theirs, and how to find more spacious, grounded ways of relating.
Looking for Support?
At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, we’re here to help you navigate the complexities of relationships, self-worth, and boundaries that actually work. If you’re ready to explore what it looks like to protect your peace without losing connection, we’d be honored to support you.
Other Services Offered with Highland Park Therapy
At Highland Park Therapy, individual therapy is not the only service offered. We provide a wide range of mental health services through online therapy statewide in California as well as in-person at our Los Angeles, CA office. Other services we offer include depression treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, stress management therapy, and trauma therapy. We also offer IFS, EMDR, and counseling for HSPs/empaths. You can also read more by visiting our blog, FAQ, about us, or groups page.