Understanding Attachment Theory: Building Better Relationships with Yourself and Others
We all carry with us ways of relating to the world that were shaped early in life, long before we even realized it. Attachment theory helps explain how the relationships we formed as children influence the way we connect with others as adults—and even how we relate to ourselves. Understanding your attachment style can offer profound insights into why you experience relationships the way you do and how you can foster healthier connections, both with others and within yourself. In this post, we’ll break down the basics of attachment theory and how it can help you navigate your relationships with more compassion, clarity, and intention.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory was first developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, and it explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our emotional bonds later in life. Essentially, the way your caregivers respond to your emotional needs as a child plays a significant role in how you approach relationships as an adult. Do you feel secure in your relationships, or do you often worry about being abandoned? Do you crave intimacy but struggle to trust others? Your attachment style can provide some answers.
There are four main attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to feel confident in relationships. They trust their partners, can communicate openly, and are comfortable both with intimacy and independence.
Anxious Attachment: Those with an anxious attachment style often worry about their relationships and fear abandonment. They may seek constant reassurance from their partners and feel insecure about being loved.
Avoidant Attachment: People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be more emotionally distant. They may have trouble trusting others, struggle with vulnerability, and prefer independence over closeness.
Disorganized Attachment: This style is often a mix of anxious and avoidant tendencies. Individuals with disorganized attachment may crave closeness but also fear intimacy, leading to confusing and often chaotic relationship dynamics.
How Attachment Styles Affect Relationships
Your attachment style can influence how you interact with partners, friends, family members, and even colleagues. If you find yourself feeling anxious or avoidant in relationships, it might be because you developed certain patterns in childhood to protect yourself from emotional pain. While these patterns may have served you as a child, they can become barriers to healthy, fulfilling relationships as an adult.
Here’s how different attachment styles might show up in relationships:
Secure Attachment: You’re able to trust your partner, communicate your needs, and feel comfortable both being close and giving space.
Anxious Attachment: You might constantly seek reassurance from your partner, worry about being abandoned, or feel jealous and insecure.
Avoidant Attachment: You may keep your partner at arm’s length, avoid emotional intimacy, or struggle to express your feelings.
Disorganized Attachment: You might feel torn between wanting closeness and pushing people away, leading to conflicting behaviors in relationships.
Using Attachment Theory to Improve Relationships with Others
The good news is that attachment styles aren’t fixed. Understanding your attachment style can be the first step toward creating healthier, more secure connections with others. Here’s how you can use attachment theory as a framework for improving your relationships:
Recognize Your Patterns:
Reflect on your past and current relationships. Do you notice recurring behaviors or emotional responses? Identifying your attachment style can help you understand why you react the way you do in relationships.
Communicate Openly:
Once you understand your attachment style, you can start communicating your needs more clearly to others. For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you can let your partner know when you need reassurance, rather than expecting them to read your mind.
Build Trust Gradually:
If you have an avoidant or disorganized attachment style, it can take time to trust others and feel safe in relationships. Focus on building trust gradually through consistent, honest communication and small acts of vulnerability.
Be Patient with Yourself:
Changing deeply ingrained patterns takes time. Be patient with yourself as you work on developing more secure attachment behaviors. Therapy can also be a helpful tool in this process.a partner through loss while managing your own grief can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that you don’t have to have all the answers. Sometimes, just being there is enough. Here’s how you can support each other:
Check-In Regularly:
Ask your partner how they’re doing, and be honest about how you’re feeling too. Regular check-ins can help you both stay connected and aware of each other’s needs.
Show Empathy:
Try to understand your partner’s feelings, even if they’re different from your own. Empathy can help bridge the gap between different grieving styles and foster a deeper connection.
Seek Outside Support:
It’s okay to seek help from a therapist or support group. Sometimes, having someone outside the relationship to talk to can relieve pressure and provide new perspectives.
Improving Your Relationship with Yourself
Attachment theory doesn’t just help you understand your relationships with others—it can also provide valuable insights into how you relate to yourself. Just as we learned to depend on caregivers for emotional support, we also learned how to soothe ourselves. If you grew up with inconsistent or emotionally unavailable caregivers, you might struggle with self-compassion, self-worth, or regulating your emotions.
Here’s how understanding your attachment style can help you cultivate a better relationship with yourself:
Practice Self-Soothing: If you tend to have an anxious attachment style, you might rely heavily on others for emotional reassurance. Learning to self-soothe through mindfulness, journaling, or calming techniques can help you manage anxiety and feel more grounded within yourself.
Rebuild Trust in Yourself: For those with avoidant attachment, it can be challenging to trust others, but it may also be difficult to trust your own emotions and needs. Practice checking in with yourself and validating your feelings, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Develop Self-Compassion: If you often feel unworthy or disconnected from yourself, it’s important to practice self-compassion. Start by acknowledging your emotions without judgment, and remind yourself that your feelings are valid.
How Therapy Can Help
Attachment styles can deeply influence how we experience relationships, but with awareness and support, change is possible. Therapy offers a safe and supportive space to explore your attachment patterns and work toward developing healthier, more secure connections. Whether you’re struggling with relationship challenges, feeling disconnected from yourself, or simply wanting to understand your patterns more deeply, therapy can provide the tools you need for growth.
Start Addressing Your Attachment Patterns with Online and In Person Therapy in Los Angeles, CA with Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy
At Highland Park Holistic Psychotherapy, we offer compassionate, attachment-informed therapy to help you understand how your past shapes your present. Our therapists can guide you in building healthier relationships—with both yourself and others.
If you’re ready to explore your attachment style and how it affects your life, reach out to us today. Together, we can help you cultivate stronger, more fulfilling connections.
If you're in Highland Park, Los Angeles, and think you might be struggling with experiences related to attachment, follow these steps to get support:
Meet with a caring and compassionate therapist
Start strengthening your relationship with yourself and others.
Other Services Offered with Highland Park Therapy
At Highland Park Therapy, we provide a wide range of mental health services through online therapy statewide in California as well as in-person at our Los Angeles, CA office. Other services we offer include depression treatment, teen therapy, grief counseling, stress management therapy, and trauma therapy. We also offer IFS, EMDR, and counseling for HSPs/empaths. You can also read more by visiting our blog, FAQ, about us, or groups page.